Savoring the moment.

You are not meant to avoid the darkness. You are meant to go into it, feed it love, illuminate it and transform it into light.
Only love has the power to heal the darkness within you.

– Alyonna Parveen

I hesitate to describe my “new normal” anymore because it is, indeed, only mine. Each person these days is facing completely different circumstances and interprets these circumstances differently. We are united, I guess, in a certain exhaustion or frayed nerves due to emotional and political upheaval. Our coping skills, risk tolerance, and way of dealing with the circumstances we find ourselves in is very different based on age, economic reality, social reality, occupation (or lack of one), gender, race, and disposition. None of this is news to you. It is obvious, it is the day to day reality.

In a divided world, we are further divided.

So, I can only speak to what is helping me find meaning these days. I said to a dear friend earlier this week that I’m learning to “micro-appreciate” each moment. When I find myself off kilter, it is often because I’ve quit appreciating the gifts of each moment and have fixated on some pain, anxiety, irritant or hurt that has captured my mind’s focus.

Stopping in the moment and allowing my focus to shift to my breath, to any movement of the air, the temperature and the surface that is supporting me, calms and centers me. Savoring the light, the view outside the window or right in front of me, allowing love for simple beauty, small comforts, soothing sounds helps me travel to the place where I remember. I remember that I am okay, even blessed, in this moment, I am loved by my dear ones and by the Divine, I am connected to Mother Earth, to nature, to the universe and by this, I am held.

From this simple practice, I ask myself, “Is there anything I need in this moment?” Often, the answer is “no,” but sometimes I need food, rest, a shower, to take care of a task I’ve been avoiding, to tidy my space, or to reach out – to send a note or make a call. I carry the beauty and comfort of that moment into my next steps.

My life these days is lived within these simple parameters. Some days I feel I must “do something!” I feel the need to contribute light, love and hope to the ailing world. Generally, upon reflection, I recognize that this is not my time to “do” anything. I may drop some food at the food shelf, send a card or gift to a loved one, or contribute some money to a worthy cause…but for the most part, my job at this moment is to Be, not to “do.”

One day, probably nine or ten years ago, John and I were hiking and I had the sense of a very, very brief message from the universe. Essentially, the message that came to me then was, “It is time for you to be an observer.” I have resisted this “call” for years. Moving away from all that was familiar and doing so right before COVID-19 has brought me back to this message. My worth, my self-esteem has been so based on doing. I guess in some strange way, this difficult time has at last begun to teach me about being.

I will be ecstatic when I can hug my friends and family again. However, I doubt very much that I will ever go back to “normal.” I predict that our household will spend less time doing and more time being in the years to come. Time to stop and smell the proverbial roses – or in our case, cacti blooms.

Much love to you,
Karen

Autumn Leaves

_ACT5558When things are shaky and nothing is working,
we might realize that we are on the verge of something.
We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place,
and that tenderness can go either way.
We can shut down and feel resentful
or we can touch in on that throbbing quality.” 

― Pema ChödrönWhen Things Fall Apart:
Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

It has been a while since I have put pen to paper. It may be that I have been:

  • scattered
  • in the midst of seasonal change
  • confused (When someone I’m close to is struggling, I’m not sure how to stay in my own stuff.)
  • distracted

It is possible that the scattered and distracted energy I have been experiencing is more or less on purpose. If I’m scattered, then I don’t have to focus on what is really going on inside or around me. If I’m distracted – by tasks, urgent emails and phone calls, silly addictive computer games, and so on – then I can stay somewhat numb. After one is substance-free, food isn’t the only thing we can use to numb out!

So today, in this lovely fall weather, in the quiet and somewhat solitary journey I find myself on – instead of being distracted, busy, confused, I’m just hanging out with myself. When painful thoughts or feelings arise, instead of slamming them down like those little whack-a-mole, pop-up games in the arcade, I’m trying to soften into them.

Having compassion for ourselves sometimes means stopping completely when we’ve been going full-tilt on our favorite numbing behaviors. Sometimes seated meditation is just sitting still and breathing – allowing what we feel to be there without running from it.

Can I love and accept everything that bubbles up inside and just let it be? Gently sitting with ourselves with the same unconditional acceptance that we find for others is often the most powerful therapy we can experience.

I know about this. I’m sitting here meeting each temper tantrum, screaming fear with love…and it is the most peaceful I have been in weeks (or months).

Welcome autumn. Let the leaves fall. I’m just going to observe them them and maybe even find some beauty in the process.